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The Legend of Rex Grossman

The following is set 30 years in the future. Image

In Chicago, a grandfather and his young grandson are sitting in front of the fireplace in a library completely silent, except for the ticktock of a grandfather clock. The flames burn the wood and crackle and pop with ferocity and roar like a furious sports crowd. The hands on the grandfather clock show that it is roughly 9pm and the moon shines in the dark room through a window. The young boy sits in front of the fire, entranced with the flames as they dance around the fireplace as the moonlight shines upon the boy. The grandfather rocks back and forth in his rocking chair as he smokes his tobacco pipe. He turns to the young boy and in a low, raspy voice, breaks the silence.

“Sit on my lap Jimmy and let me tell you the story of the greatest quarterback which football ever had the honor of let playing its fabled game.”

He does.

“You see, the year was 2003 and your grandmother and I were Bears fans looking for something or someone to spark our team back into the glorious days of Ditka, Singletary, and Payton. In the spring of that year, we sat in front of the television watching the draft. At first it seems like any other draft. Little did we know that we had not a clue of the magnitude of what was about to transpire before us on the screen. We waited until the later half of the draft and the moment we anticipated had finally arrived; it was time for the Bears to pick. The longest 15 minutes ever passed by and then the pick was in. The commissioner granted the best news that we as bears fans could have ever heard: ‘With the 22nd pick in the 2003 NFL draft, the Chicago Bears have selected Sexy Rexy Grossman from Florida.’

Your Grandmother and I were instantly excited and sexually aroused when we heard the name of future hall of famer Sexy Rexy Grossman. Finally, we had a quarterback to guide us back to the promised land. The next weekend, Mr. Rexy held a victory rally at Soldier Field in which he promised the amount of Super Bowls he was going to win for Chicago: not one, not two, not three, not four… this continued for a while, which was alright because we were just excited to see Mr. Rexy so dedicated to the craft. The rally ended with an orgy that consisted of everyone wearing Sexy Rexy masks. That night could not have ended any better, if you ask me.

We finally got to see him play, and let me tell you, that mother fucker had a dragon to unleash! Boy, I have never seen a man toss the pigskin like that man could. He could avoid a sack like no other and still be able to complete a pass. I can still see the look on Rexy’s face now, a look of disapproval at the play developing in front of him and the look of a modern man/sex idol’s epiphany when he told himself ‘Fuck this shit, I’m going deep.’

I’ll tell you now, Jimmy, 2003-2008 were the best and sexiest years to be a Bears fan, not that 1985 clusterfuck of a year. After Mr. Rexy went to Houston, that’s when I began to have issues with my erectile disfunction. Coincidence? I think not! And you know what else, Jimmy? I…”

At this point the grandfather was overcome with different emotions. He was angry because his beloved Bears no longer had Sexy Rexy Grossman. He was happy to recall those years in which Sexy Rexy Grossman filled him with joy. He was aroused because he was thinking of Sexy Rexy Grossman. He looked upon his grandson sleeping upon his lap and smiled down at him. There he sat in his rocking chair and rocked his grandson as he slept.

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